#118: Newsweek Magazine

If you've ever been to an Indian household you've noticed the stack of Newsweek Magazines sitting on an otherwise unused chair in the corner of the kitchen. Though these magazines are rarely read they allow the Indian subscriber to feel that he or she (almost always a he) is doing his best to keep in touch with the world. The same can be said for unread editions of The Financial Times and Wall Street Journal, which occupy other corners of the home in similarly untouched piles.

Additional reasons why Indians have so many Newsweek magazines lying around include: The male figure of the household cancelled his subscription to Time Magazine because Joe Klein's columns became increasingly burdened with an inside-the-beltway perspective on the political process; the male figure of the household bought 5 subscriptions so his child would win his or her elementary school's magazine drive competition; the male figure of the household brings older issues of Newsweek Magazine home after the new one arrives in the waiting room of his Neurology practice.

One would assume for a group of people so in tune with the principles of economics (quick, ask the next Indian guy you meet who went to the University of Pennsylvania what he majored in) Indians would understand the law of diminishing marginal utility. Good news or bad news is only news if it's new. Old Newsweeks are worth no more than the paper they're printed on past the built-in shelf life of, well, one week.

However, you can take advantage of the Indian proclivity for collecting issues of Newsweek by resorting to it as a topic when you're next involved in an awkward conversation with an older Indian male, such as a father-in-law or...father. It can go something like this:

Older Indian: So what are your plans for the future? Will you be attending graduate school?
You: Um, I'm not really sure. I'd like to keep my options open for the moment. I want to know where my passion lies before committing to a course of study for the rest of my life.
Older Indian: I see. That is the problem with your generation. You place too much emphasis on passions and fashions. Not enough focus on pensions and mansions like me and your parents.
You: Right.

A silence creeps in as the sound from the television in the next room can be heard. The older Indian man checks his watch. You feel your dowry slipping away.

You: Did you read about Bernanke's plans to ease the economic downturn by increasing the percentage of interest rate cuts throughout the next fiscal quarter in the latest issue of Newsweek?
Older Indian: The issue on news stands now?
You: Oh, I don't know, my family subscribes.
Older Indian: I subscribe too!
You: What a coincidence! My dad still has the one with Padma Lakshmi and India on the cover.
Older Indian: Haha. Can you blame him? She's a fox.
You: She sure is, Dr. Gupta.
Older Indian: Please, Chiragh. Call me dad. Soon you'll be marrying my daughter. You are practically family now.

Dowry saved. Crisis averted. Thank you, Newsweek.