#1600 (2400): The SATs

For most people, the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) is one of the application components necessary to gain admission into the college of choice. Not so for an Indian. At the ripe age of seventeen, young Indians relish the opportunity to participate in one of the earliest and most-pivotal battles in the life-long war for Indian supremacy. To an Indian, the SAT is the Superbowl of quantifyable intelligence.

No matter how many devastating losses a high-school-aged Indian has faced preceding the exam, (ex. getting second place in Mathcounts, receiving a 4 in the Physics IIC AP exam sophomore year, or suffering a loss in the state Tennis tournament) Indians look to the SAT as a forum for redemption. With such heavy stakes, Indians often prepare years in advance to ensure optimal performance.

In the days before the exam, an Indian may say, "I haven't studied at all" or "I've got to cram this week." This is a lie. In truth, the average Indian family will have spent ~$5,000 per child on Kaplan courses, Barron's study-guides, and one-on-one study sessions with an SAT expert in the months preceding the PSAT. The levels of spending, studying and mental exuberance in advance of the real SAT is even greater. If you come across an Indian who delivers a similar line, the best thing to say is "me too" so they can confirm that they are better-prepared than you. Any other response will engender several follow-up questions until they are sufficiently satisfied that you don't know something that they know.

A brief study of the standardized test section of the ancient Indian scrolls contains the SAT scoring breakdown:*

0-1490: Don't tell anyone about your score or that you even took the exam in the first place. Disgraceful.

1500-1590: If your score definitively beat any Indian within a 100-mile radius, you may reveal your score to the Indian public.

1600: Congratulations, you are the greatest Indian in your age-group! Your mother and father have achieved parental superstardom. Be sure to bring up your score at least twice per conversation for the next 3 years. Have your parents open a call-center to inform friends, family and other pitiful competitors. If there is another perfect scorer in your community, don't forget to comment about how socially awkward that person is."

Though some Indians achieve the pinnacle of SAT greatness, most fall into the first two buckets. These underachieving overachievers have three options with regards to the SAT: (1) redouble efforts and take the test again in secret, (2) never speak of the test again, or (3) lie about the score so that they are 10 points above their nearest Indian counterpart.

However, in most cases, these Indians concede SAT victory and look to their next competitive bible:

http://www.usnews.com/usnews/edu/college/rankings/brief/t1natudoc_brief.php

*Please note that the scoring corresponds to the old SAT scoring format as the scrolls have not been updated to reflect this change.