Some Indians feel uncomfortable fraternizing in large groups. One excuse these Indians use to avoid such situations is to dismiss the occasion or event as a "meat market." For example:
Situation #1:
Soniya: Hey, Rachna. Are you going to the Indian Student Association meeting tonight?
Rachna: No way, Soniya. Those meetings are just for desperate FOBs looking to find an American wife to get them a Green Card. It's such a meat market.
Situation #2:
Payal: Oh my gods, my parents just sent me this mekhla we had made in India when we went there last summer and I'm totally going to wear it to the Hindu Student Alliance Garbaa-Raas tonight. What are you going to wear?
Meena: Nothing.
Payal: You're wearing nothing? You sliz!
Meena: No, I'm not going. It's just a big, sweaty Meat Market.
Payal: No, the snacks are Veg, I checked -
Meena: No, Payal. As in everyone's just trying to get with each other. It's disgusting.
Payal: Oh (questioning her self-worth and limited world-view)
Meena: Besides, Delta Kappa Epsilon has a social tonight at Sinibar and Brett's going to be there. I'm totally going to have his blue-eyed brown babies. How do I look?
Payal: Cute party top!
Meena: Thanks!
Situation #3:
Mumtaz: Do you want a ride to the Eid dinner tonight at the Multicultural Center to celebrate the breaking of fast for the Ramadan season?
Faiza: Guhross. South Asians gathered to observe the end of Ramadan? What a meat market.
Friday, February 29, 2008
#81: Condescendingly Referring to Any Gathering of Indians as a Meat Market
#67: Hating Padma Lakshmi
For reasons not fully understood by me, Indian women love to hate Padma Lakshmi, the host of Bravo's reality series Top Chef. Perhaps it's because they question her merits as an authority on food. Maybe it's because of that foul-mouthed Vanity Fair profile, or the million dollar apartment in New York's East Village that she's apparently paying for with cookbook residuals, or the high profile divorce from Salman Rushdie. Or maybe it's because she's just too beautiful to be mired in the midst of us mere mortals. Sigh.
#44: Anglicized Names
At some point in their lives Indians like to Anglicize their name to fit in with their American peers. Sometimes the change is subtle, and sometimes its drastic enormity later leads to a nose job and colored contacts.
Rahul = Ron
Krishna = Kris
Nikhil = Nicky --> Nick --> Nicholas
Monalie = Mona
Rajib = Roger --> Raj --> Rog
Jesminder = Jessie
Rohit = Robert --> Rob --> Bob
Amrita = Amy
Rakesh = Ricky --> Rick --> Rocky
Prabul = Paul
Gopal = Gus
Debojit = Deb --> Donald --> Don --> Deb
Monica = Monica
Vikram = Vicky --> Vik --> Vick --> Matthew
#1963: Allowing Offensive Representations of Indians to Persist in the Popular Media
Yeah, we hear you, enough with Bollywood. So we'll go from the city of Anjalis to the City of Angels and focus our attention on Hollywood for a second.
#71: Ruining Classics With Remixes
In a music industry that has seemingly misplaced its creativity, the offerings of choice these days seem to be souped-up rehashes of classic Bollywood songs from the 50s and 60s.
There really is no new frontier explored. The formula is as follows (I guess I like lists):
1. The exact same lyrics are taken from the old version, but are sung "sexier." For good measure, the pronunciation of the words may be Anglicized (because that's cool now among the Mumbai city-folk).
2. Throw in a Dhamaka-inducing beat, and simultaneously obliterate the mood that the original song's producer sought to create. For example, if the original song was about a dispirited woman's musings, a remixed version of it would totally be appropriate to grind to (or so I hear).
3. Add a slight dash of an unskilled rapper, tossing out English catch-phrases, like: "Stay cool, bro," or "I want you babayyy," or the befuddling "Chori Chori here's my story." The mismatch is akin to putting jelly on your cheeseburger. Or maybe Robitussin on your cheeseburger, since the catch-phrases suck to begin with.
4. For the video, employ the services of a scantily-clad dancer, who will seductively lip-synch the slightly-sexier singing. Again, it doesn't matter what the original evocative intention of the song was - the goal now is to strive for "cool".
Follow these steps, and you too can become a remix-Moghul.
See here for a perfect template:
Original:
(Aww! Innocent courtship!)
Remix:
(The sound you hear in the background is the original producer spinning in his grave.)
Thursday, February 28, 2008
#59: Shunning the Rules of Basketball
A sport dominated by the West, with a few incursions from the East most notably named Yao, basketball enjoys a surprising level of popularity among Indians. Several Bollywood movies contain key emotional scenes during which characters both grow and develop relationships while playing a game of one-on-one basketball.
Obviously the inherent metaphor of one-on-one basketball carries the connotations of a heated game of chess while not subjecting the audience to an image of Aishwarya Rai thinking. However, if basketball means so much to Indians as a symbol, why then do they so cavalierly break its rules? #9: Christmas
In a mystery I have yet to solve, Indians go all-out to celebrate Christmas, despite the birth of Jesus having no real religious significance to Indians in general (besides the ones who are actually Christians). I've tried to piece together any possible reason for the "passion for the Christ," but have come up empty.
Note, this is no casual celebrating either. The entire gamut of Christmas tradition is run - Indians dive right in.
In my travels to Indian households, I've seen:
1. A Christmas tree, complete with angels and Christ representations as ornaments. I suppose the Christmas tree is neutral enough (as they're calling it a Holiday tree these days [damn liberals]), but the ornaments surprised me slightly, especially since I saw a Ganesh painting off to the side. Of course, there were presents underneath, and an angel with a halo at the top. No detail was omitted, apparently.
2. Staying true to tradition, the presents were exchanged the following morning. Santa Claus was also invoked to explain the existence of some of the presents. Now, I wasn't there for this, but three independent sources tell me that one of the gifts was a Nintendo 64, and the child recipient flipped out upon its discovery. Evidently, ALL of the traditions were adopted.
3. That night, a White Elephant gift exchange took place. The Indian household invited all their Indian friends over, and they proceeded to exchange some rather humorous gifts. An older, sari-clad woman talked about the value of "The Christmas Spirit", and how "joyous" she is about it.
4. To the delight of the children, the previously-invoked Santa Claus came to town, and he looked eerily like that jolly older guy who I hadn't seen in the last 15 minutes. Plus he somehow had an Indian accent.
5. This was my biggest surprise - the singing of Christmas Carols. And not the neutral "Jingle Bells", "Deck the Halls" stuff either. They dove right into the "Jesus is our Lord" variety. That really knocked me off balance.
6. And finally, the religious (haha) watching of It's a Wonderful Life: "Zuzu's petals, Zuzu's petals - there they are!"
So if there's one thing I've learned by observing Indians on Christmas, it's that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
#28: Walking Through the "Ethnic" Hair Aisle of Walgreens...
...and out of the corner of their eye secretly checking if management has added anything for Indians that will straighten out their wavy mess. No such luck. It's going to be another long summer for that Indfro.
#25: The Dil Se Soundtrack
#1-800: Outsourcing
Outsourcing - or brain drain, if you're stuck inside a copy of the Economist, circa 2003 - has been a huge buzzword lately. Americans have been up in arms over the seeming loss of millions of customer service and tech support jobs that are lost by outsourcing, only to result in hour long waits on the phone and instructions that are lost somewhere in translation. But you will never find an Indian complaining about this problem.
Why? Because every time the call center routes to Sunthar Prabhukrishnan in Bangalore, an Indian knows that not only will they get the best tech support possible, solely because of their Indian brethren connection, but they will also receive a lengthy chat covering topics such as the state of the cricket team this year (top class!), the latest Hrithik-Aishwarya film (not enough dancing, na?), and finding out that each of their third cousins twice removed used to live next door to each other back in the 70s and ended up being room partners at IIT, Bombay campus.
So next time you dread calling up tech support to complain about your 9 year old Dell crapping out again, just hope that Sunthar is the one who answers.
#101: I Love Lucy
#87: The Ramada Inn
Indians love hotels. Indians love owning hotels, and Indians love renting out hotels for any event that falls within the catch-all description of "Function." Birthday Function. Pooja Function. Wedding Function. Your friend Adam's Bar Mitzvah Function.
No hotel serves the functional interest of Indians better and more often than the Ramada Inn (pending post - #91: Econo Lodge). Perhaps it's the discount rooms or the chain's proximity to popular Indian sites of congregation such as Cherry Hill, NJ or Bethesda, MD that make the Ramada so appealing to large Indian gatherings. Or maybe it's the hotel name's close similarity to a holy holiday.
But most likely the Ramada Inn is so popular among Indians because no other hotel rolls off the paan-stained Indian tongue with such mellifluous grace. Give it a try: "Eh! Get in the Dodge Caravan! We are going to be late for the graduation punction (sic) at the Ramadainn!"
#1143: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
#3.0: 1997 AIM Screen Names
1. GujuGAL89
2. DeSi4EVA
3. PunJaBthrob.
4. DesiHungaman
5. PriyaPrincess82
6. DeZiDeeva
7. Hindude69
8. SalmanDman007
9. LilBrownie2k2
10. DmBandFan975
11. Priteshsubrahmanium
#32: Party Tops
Not too expensive, and showing just the right amount of skin without being slutty, there is a certain type of clothing that is a staple in every Indian female's wardrobe: the ubiquitous "Party Top". Interchangeable over any pair of jeans, leggings, or short skirt, and usually manufactured by Forever 21, the Party Top is the only requisite item needed for a Bridge and Tunnel girl's night out on the town (that and a fake ID from her friend Priya, nestled safely in her fake Coach wristlet). Don't be shocked if you see every third girl wearing the same top in a rainbow of colors.
#2008: Silently Fearing the Chinese
The Asian continent has had its share of problems over the past half-century with more in-fighting than an episode of Flava of Love. India invades Pakistan; Sri Lanka attacks India: Vietnam incurs on Cambodia; China takes Tibet; Japan takes everything. Bad blood is part of the continent's history like gun-powder, Buddhism and succumbing to the will of Europeans.
Between all the bickering, though, one nation stands as the Greg Brady to this rag-tag bunch. If India can boast Johnny Lever, then China takes the cake as the region's Johnny Bravo.
If the Financial Times and every other cover of the Economist are to be believed, India and China are poised to be the industrial powerhouses of the 21st century. Both countries claim a population of 1 billion and a military strength that make them targets for diplomacy rather than intervention. On paper, it would seem, that India and China are geopolitical neighbors of equitable standing. Um, not so much.
Though the media has made much of India's comparable economic strength with China and Indian-Americans' association with Chinese and other Asian Americans under the penumbra of Model Minorities, most Indians know deep down inside that China's got the upper hand in this cold war culture war.
We may smile and wave our politically correct banners for Pan Asian solidarity at multicultural meetings on the campus of UC-Berkeley, but in the back of our minds we fear that the general public will figure out what we already know: the Chinese could kick our ass.
#92: Smoking, Apparently
A recent story in the Washington Post pointed out that India is apparently in the midst of a smoking epidemic. With a booming economy that promises even further growth in the near future and a more savvy youth culture with eyes toward international trends, India promises big tobacco a yet untapped market for an expansion of cigarette sales. According to the article, India has the second largest smoking population in the world at 120 million, half of which are under the age of 30. These statistics lead health officials to speculate the number of annual smoking-related deaths to reach 1 million by 2010. Eh khaike!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
#45: The Cincinnati Bengals
Why wouldn't Indians support a team named after the people inhabiting Bengal, an eastern region of the subcontinent?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
#2: Female South Asian Writers
Indian girls go through a stage in their life during which they seek a similar experience in the pages of popular fiction. Fortunately, over the past 15 years South Asian diasporic literature has become a genre unto itself exposing more and more Indian girls to the words of older, wiser sisters of the subcontinent.
If you would like to hold a conversation with a seemingly intelligent Indian girl, for example if she has glasses or a copy of Jonathan Lethem short stories in her canvas shoulder bag, be sure to reference any one of the below mentioned authors and their work.
Jhumpa Lahiri, The Interpreter of Maladies
If you bring up "The Namesake," use discretion since she will think you may have only seen the movie. If she does, simply comment on the questionable casting for the role of Moushimi since in the book she didn't seem as fair-skinned.
Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, Arranged Marriage
Be sure to discuss this book by Divakaruni and not Sister of My Heart since any implication that you have read the latter will be immediately emasculating and will most likely lead to a conversation about "The Gilmore Girls."
Kiran Desai, The Inheritance of Loss
Let me know if this one works because I've never met anyone who's actually read it.
Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things
Try not to mention this book first since it will come off as calculated. It is important not to seem insincere when trying to manipulate an Indian girl.
Though discussing the aforementioned novels will make you appear sensitive and sincere, it is the responsibility of the reader to maintain an appearance of heterosexuality if his intentions are not merely platonic since attention from an Indian girl does not necessarily imply romantic interest. (See #11).
# 37: Speaking Slightly "Blacker" Than Usual With Black People
In an effort to appear "down", Indians will employ the assistance of generally-unused catch phrases, such as "I feel ya on that, man," or "You know I'm sayin'?" when in conversation with their Black counterparts. Vocal inflection will change to reflect a more urban quality, and an allusion to a recent rap song may even be exercised to enhance believability.
Compare the greeting styles on a typical Monday morning at work.
1. With a White guy:
Ankur: Morning, Todd. Did you have a good weekend?
Todd: Yeah dude, we went over to Fado and got obliterated.
Ankur: Sweet, man. That sounds awesome.
2. Similar conversation with a Black guy:
Ankur: What's crackin', playaaa? What you get into this weekend?
Tyrone: We went over to Fur and kicked it for a little bit.
Ankur: Aw, word? How was the honeys over there? Pretty straight? I wish I rolled. I would've thrown some D on some batch!*
*Allusion to rap song
Friday, February 22, 2008
#23: Chicago
New York is too expensive. New Jersey's cool, but the only major city is Newark and that's too scary. Houston's too black. L.A.'s too gay, and Miami is too Cuban. What American city, then, do Indians like? Obviously, Chicago.
Home to financial firms, consulting outfits and numerous universities, Chicago is prime for cultivating a thriving Indian scene. Whether you're a bankster in Bucktown, an M.D. in Streeterville, an undergrad in Hyde Park or an M.B.A. in Evanston this City of Big Shoulder Bags has everything an Indian could want.
Between M&A's, Organic Chem. labs, Intros to Tort Reform and Material Science problem sets, Indians in Chicago have plenty of opportunities to fill their time. In case hunger hits they can stroll down the Magnificent Mile to Food Life in the Water Tower where they can wait in a long line for bad pizza. Or they could head uptown to Devon and spend 45 minutes double parking for a Masala dosa at Udupi Palace.
After snacks and a quick stop by Old Orchard for a fresh button down from Club Monaco, Indians in Chicago are ready to hit up the town. First, they'll usually get things started with a pregame in Lincoln Park at a place like The Apartment. At this point, many Indians will get text messages from other Indians telling them to head further downtown to a club where one of their peripheral friends is spinning, or DJ'ing. This club will most likely go by one name, such as Sauce, Funk, Transit, Rouge, Zentra, Circus, Karma, or Blonde.
After they are good and sweaty, Indians will argue with cab drivers outside the club to fit a fifth person into the back seat. They will then head up to the Gold Coast for after hours fun at an establishment like Leg Room or McFadddens. At this point, Indian girls will focus on dancing with each other or making out with a guy either two years older or two years younger than them. Indian guys, on the other hand, will be trying to either bum cigarettes or free style rap on the sidewalk with homeless men.
Afterwards they will go to Rock 'n Roll McDonalds before heading home and drunkenly messaging each other on Facebook about how much they love Chicago.
#77: Recognizing Timbaland's Plagiarism...
...But still requesting DJ Aladdin to spin his stolen hits at Whitestar on Friday night, watching elbows fly and Priyas shake.
#57: Rediff.com E-mail Addresses
For a brief period of time in the late '90s many Indians had email addresses through Rediff.com, a website that served as a landing page for Indian web users. Over time these disappeared and made way for Hotmail accounts.
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#83: Sega CD
Some people had an Atari. Almost everyone had a Nintendo. Then came the 16-bit monsters that drew a line in the sand, either you stood with Super Nintendo or you cast your lot in with Sega and its Genesis.
Most people chose on a whim. Super Nintendo had Mario. Sega had Sonic. Super Nintendo had Mario Pinball. Sega had Sonic Pinball. Super Nintendo had Mario Cart. Sega had Golden Axe. The battle was clearly heated; each side had earned its stripes.
That is, until Sega introduced us to the world of 32-bit graphic rendering on a coaxial connection. They gave us Sega CD. Boasting a limited library of 5 titles, Sega CD appealed to only the most loyal of Sega brand fans who trusted their console to take them into the future. That committed customer base, comprised of video game tastemakers, weathered the commercial landscape and handicapped the odds in the battle of free markets. Malcolm Gladwell would call them the Tipping Point; we call them Asians.
However, due to their presumed familiarity with Japanese electronics, most Asians sided with Nintendo in the console wars. Indians, distracted by rumors of a TATA console, thought with their joysticks and blindly followed Sega's foray into the realm of the 32-bit compact disc. 3 years later they all bought Playstations.
#73: Mixture
Quick. Name one element of the mixture bag thats in the cabinet above your parents' dishwasher. Salt doesn't count.
Its a universal mystery as to the exact contents in a bag of mixture or "hot mix." What is known, however, is that Indians pick up a few bags whenever they go to the Indian store and, while eating, you'll be a sweaty, happy mess.