Monday, February 2, 2009

# 1's and 2's: DJ'ing


A non-scientific study conducted by the SILDC interns (all of whom are majoring in some facet of engineering and applied mathematics) revealed that 11 out of 10 Indians in the United States are DJ's. 200% of them are from New Jersey while 300% of them spin exclusively in Chicago and at the occasional Ohio State Desi Party. In fact, 4 of you just became DJ's as you read this paragraph.

Indian DJ's separate themselves from their black, white, Asian and Persian counterparts by adopting Indian DJ names such as: DJ Aladdin, DJ Dosa, DJ Vikas, and DJ Vijay.

The music spun by Desi DJ's, however, is not so homogeneous. Styles range from hip-hop to rap to urban to R&B to "Latika's Theme." All tunes, however, will be introduced and categorized within the only musical genre Indian DJ's choose to recognize, "remix."

Occasionally a Desi DJ will play house music or trance. Though he may be brown, he is not considered an Indian DJ but rather a Canadian DJ since he's most likely from Toronto. Desi DJ's in India are also considered a different breed since they mostly play bizarrely dated Western pop songs by artists such as ABBA and Michael Learns to Rock.

The prevalence of Desi DJ's also has its down sides. At popular Indian punctions (sic) such as Desi Parties, Weddings and punctions (sic), the count of DJ's per head often swings drastically out of balance. At this point, several Indians will attempt to usurp the decks from the appointed DJ through a host of strategies. For example:

Krishna: Yo, man. You have that new Ne-Yo remix with the Timbaland tablas? I was thinking about droppin' them over "Latika's Theme."
DJ Caucasian: What? Um, no, I don't.
Krishna: No worries, I got it on my iPod right here. Yo, lemme hook it up.
DJ Caucasian: I don't think that'd be a good idea.
Krishna: No, it's cool. I got that line-in.

Several of Krishna's "boys" from their UPenn "dance troupe" will then surround DJ Caucasian and breathe heavily from their mouths until he excuses himself to the bar to get a Coors Light. Bass thumping Indian remixes accompanied by unequalized treble will play for the rest of the night as sport coats are removed, collared shirts are pitted, and feet are interlocked.

The Desi DJ should not be confused with the Desi Party Promoter, though they are often one and the same person. Desi DJ's focus on the music, setting the playlist and leaving the turntables unattended to dance aggressively to their own beats. Desi Party Promoters, on the other hand, over-charge patrons, pay-off bouncers and fight with their girlfriends, usually named Leena, who have just thrown up in the pool table.

If you ever run into an Indian there's a 500% chance that he or she is a DJ. Be cautious to invite them to your wedding or bat mitzvah since they will usurp the decks. Also, invite them into your home warily since 12 times out 10 they will press you on the tech specs of your "system," secretly download audio mixing shareware programs on to your computer when you're out of the room and try to talk you into buying their old "mixer."

22 comments:

Mahotma in Herre said...

Just saying:

"“In India, no matter how modern you are, you’re still in this schizophrenic nonmodern thing,” she said, straining to be heard as the D.J. blasted Pearl Jam."

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/09/world/asia/09india.html?ref=todayspaper

Anonymous said...

absolutely hilarious post...

Janie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Janie said...

Haha, I'm DJ Dosa, and I love this post, keep it up. This is all wonderfully true. Except I don't autoplay.

Bob said...

hmm...all the DJs I know in India play house, techno, or trance...and play it well. If you guys have never heard (of) them then you dont know what you're missing.

Mohammed Osman said...

Reading this post has made me contemplate killing myself.

All this time I thought I was a special and unique snowflake. Now I know this not to be true.

The only lifelines for me is that my dj name is not Desi in any way and I play drum & bass, dubstep and house. My friends and family can only hope its enough to get past this existential crisis

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