#7 Years of Lies: The AXE Effect

Indians are a fragrant bunch, as the saying goes, and will invest time and money in their aromas. But, for Vaibhav Bedi, enough was enough. After 7 years of being a devotee to the brand, he will sue Axe for 'mental suffering', 'cheating', and, apparently, not getting his chocolate limbs ripped off his brown body:

In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Well, maybe he wasn't putting enough on? Maybe he was only spraying once from a distance and walking into the scent? As the commericals go, once a man applies a few sprays, at close range, women converge upon the sweet-smelling salubrious man or have nothin' but an Axe hound dog leap upon him from the second floor of a mall. So, Vaibhav, be liberal with your application of Axe products. Let these ladies have it. And if not, save a little for the courtroom as evidence of its chemical impotence.
Oh wait, what:

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his [notably ugly] bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

Broom Broom Pow. Damn, bai of pigs even rejects him after that classic display of romance? And now he wants to know if the brand managers are getting high on their own supply? VB, you may not have thought this through. If Axe refuses to settle out of court, Bedi might be subjected to a case claiming he has incurable B.O. and/or does not meet the minimum qualifications of mammalian male attractiveness for the product to even have a chance at being effective. Vaibhav, why couldn't you have been happy with mallu auntie videos, like the rest of your hand-holding brothers? Although, if the prosecution claims that Vaibhav is absolultely too disgusting to date, Ram Jethmalani, Bedi's lawyer, could use the LATIKAAAAAAAAAA defense, seeing that Frieda Pinto was married to this guy:

*shivering* Gee Golly Gargoyle he's ugly, and he doesn't even know where to go for good chicken wings.

Anyway, Frieda, this is Vaibhav's fucking show..err day in court, hot-seat, tape deck, cd-thing, whatever. And he will not be denied his chai-date with a human girl. So, good luck, Bedi beta. I hope you're not declared legally loathsome.